Tribulation without Heaven
by newblackanubis9
Summary: All she needs to do her job is a body, chakra, and intelligence. Alone and abandoned, why should there be anything left of her? A mission with Kakashi shows how truly far you can fall, how far you can go without seeing Heaven. KakSak. M for mature.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, we all they don't belong to us, because if they could, it would be the catfight from Hell. I lay odds 3 to 1 on myself.

Please review, it's good karma, and you can never have too much good karma. Just like chocolate.

Ch 1

Her life wasn't supposed to have turned out like this. When she was younger, she had planned it out neatly, had her goals organized. By 18, she would be married to Sasuke, and a Jounín by 20. Only the latter had been accomplished, six months early no less. She was six months shy of being 20, and the only thing she had to show for her life was a healthy bank account. She had tried to figure out where it had all gone wrong on a lunch shift one day, and hadn't succeeded. There hadn't seemed to be any real point she could look at and say it had been the beginning. Maybe when her parents died within months of each other when she was 16? Or when Sasuke left? Which caused Naruto to leave for a few years to train with Juraiya to bring Sasuke back? Or perhaps it had been when Sasuke had actually come back and everyone moved on with their lives? That was the most likely possibility.

She had been so busy at the hospital, training with Tsunade, training for the Jounín exams, missions… what little time she had left was divided between her own personal time and whatever friends had time to spend with her. But then Sasuke had married Ino.

Sakura was old enough and knew herself well enough that she had not been upset when they had started dating. Besides the fact that she didn't even have enough time for a one night stand much less a relationship, she had accepted the fact that she had been the ultimate fan girl, which by no means meant actual love. So if they both found love with each other, all the better for them. But that meant that Ino's priorities were no longer in sync with hers; it's hard to gush to your girlfriend about your totally perfect boyfriend when said girlfriend used to believe the world rose and set on her love for that man. Kinda awkward. Things became even more distant after they became married, as Sasuke made good on his promise to revive his clan. Ino was spitting out children as quickly as was biologically possible, and Sakura really didn't understand what the big deal was when a toddler made an involuntary facial expression that was apparently 'totally adorable'. And even if Sakura had felt the desire to spend time with Sasuke, he was always gone on missions to support the small village he somehow had time to cultivate through Ino.

Two best friends gone, faded away, drifted away, however it happened or was described, they were friends that received only waves and the cursory inquiries if they passed by.

Naruto had finally matured enough to realize Hinata for who she was and they had been joined at the hip for the past year. Not being a person to do things in half-measures, she hadn't seen the devoted and smitten blonde in three months, except for the occasional hospital visit, which was spent discussing how great and perfect Hinata was. While she absolutely and completely did not begrudge him his happiness, Lord knew the man deserved it more than the entire village put together, it had been difficult to one day wake up and realize she had been unintentionally dropped. Naruto had matured, but not that much; he still tended to forget the obvious, or maybe he simply didn't know how to be devoted to more than one woman in his life. She didn't want to be the main woman in his life, just a friend. Yet she didn't feel it was fair to bring up the complaint to him when she had so little time herself. She knew she would feel horribly guilty if she talked to him, and would then have to turn down half of his attempts to spend more time with him due to her work. It would make her feel like a hypocrite. So she said nothing.

Somehow, at the age of 19, she had ended up completely alone in life, her two teammates gone with significant others, and Kakashi didn't count. The man was barely her former teacher in her book, and that merely brought up issues she had that only pissed the fuck out of her to think about. Kakashi was one subject she never thought of if she had a choice.

Ok, fine, her problem was this: she understood that she a miserable excuse for a genin, what with being all Sasuke-fanatical and all, but there should have been _some_ effort to train her. Naruto's training had suffered as well, but he had gotten what little time had been left over. Her lessons were what he was teaching the boys. Her superior chakra control should have been something to be honed, not dismissed without even a compliment. The feeling of constantly chasing after the boys in ability and strength, and to have that feeling reinforced by her own teacher by virtually ignoring her had taken her years to overcome. If not for Tsunade… Who knew where she would have been? So when Naruto had left, Kakashi had apparently assumed his responsibility was done and she was left on her own without even a farewell. She had gone to Tsunade to find out why Kakashi hadn't been showing up for training and had been informed he had gone back to ANBU, as he had no students left to teach. It had been the first and only time someone other than her parents had seen her cry. While he may have done her a favor in the long run, she felt she owed him nothing when all was said and done. He was the party most guilty of abandoning her, and she hated how he always made her feel so uncool and like a pathetic little girl. Bad memories, bad associations, and bitter feelings were directed toward him for being responsible for them.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, we all they don't belong to us, because if they could, it would be the catfight from Hell. I lay odds 3 to 1 on myself.

Please review, it's good karma, and you can never have too much good karma. Just like chocolate.

Ch 2

Her day consisted of the same thing every day, assuming she hadn't been assigned a mission. Wake up at four in the morning, train until six – by herself, of course – work at the hospital until three in the afternoon, train with Tsunade until eight, do whatever errands needed to be done, and get eight hours of sleep. There wasn't a single second unaccounted for or unplanned, because it never deviated. She had tried to fill her weekends with friends and fun activities, but after months of conflicting schedules and being disappointed at the last minute by missions for either her or them, she gave up and simply took extra shifts at the hospital. Eventually those extra shifts became a regular assignment, and the person she thought she was seemed to fall into the background. She didn't have to be an individual to heal others or to train, or learn new medicine and jutsu. She just needed chakra, a body, and intelligence. No personality required.

She gave Tsunade full credit for trying, though. She had tried to give her time off to spend with friends, but when it never panned out, she would end up at the hospital anyway. It was so much simpler to tell her shishou that she wanted to take the extra shifts than to admit she had no friends and no social life, that she was an unloved loser. But she loved her for trying anyway.

Sakura knew full well something would have to give, something would have to change, she had simply been resigned to wait for it. Either she would get a life, or she would be a crazy cat lady, she had stopped really caring a while ago. No one cared what happened to her, why should she as long as she could continue with her work? While it was a lonely and miserable existence, she knew others had it worse, and she was in no danger of starving for several lifetimes, so she kept her unhappiness to herself. Like she had anyone to tell anyway, phffft.

Looking back, she found it hugely ironic and fitting that Kakashi would bring about the change, and the end of her life as it had been. Neither would be positive.

Tsunade had been in a horrible mood. She had lost several bets the night before, was hung over more than usual, and the paperwork was threatening to explode out of her windows. Sakura had borne it all with her usual mask of neutrality, which only seemed to piss off her mentor more as the day progressed.

"That's it!!! I want you out of this office! Six months I have put up with your bullshit and I've had it!!!"

"What do you mean, shishou?"

"You're what I mean, Sakura! You show up one day with the most boring color of brown hair, there hasn't been a single complaint against you in months, and you're like a goddamned robot! Where the hell did my apprentice go, huh? Where's the temper I love? It's like you died and your body just keeps showing up for work. Sakura, I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get out and get some human interaction and snap the fuck out of whatever this is that you're in."

"I interact with tons of people every day!"

"Patients don't count, Sakura. I forbid you from working this weekend, and I order you to go to a bar, hang out with your friends, pick up a guy, something besides training and working. That is an official order, by the way. Now get the fuck out of my sight!!"

She had been irritated as she walked home. If she wanted to fill every moment of her day with either work or training, that was her prerogative. She hadn't asked to be forgotten or abandoned by all of her friends, but she was making the most of it, damnit! So how the hell had it turned into her fault?

Well, fine. She wanted Sakura to go out to a bar and pick up a guy, then she would. It wasn't like she was a virgin or anything, it had just been a year (*cough* two *cough*) since she had the time to think about something as frivolous as hormones. A trip to her storage closet almost proved to be depressing, what with none of her clothes fitting anymore. She hadn't thought she lost all that much weight, and really she hadn't, but apparently her body had become much too lean to maintain any womanly curves. A kimono-style dress hid that fact the best and she was out the door.

A bar at the end of her block (that she never knew was there even though she walked past it every day, huh) was the first she came across and good enough for her purposes. One quick scan around those sitting at the bar was all she needed to choose a man and sit down beside him. She ordered a sake, made eye contact, and waited for him to make a move.

Ten minutes later, things were going well. The man, Matsuo, had been quite good at small talk, but unlike most women, she was ready to ask him over for the night and forgo the games women were supposed to play. She knew he would have built up his courage in his own time, but she was eager to get him to her house, screw him, and get a good night's sleep.

"Yo."

She looked over her shoulder to see Kakashi standing in front of them, his usual eye expression for a smile adorning his face.

"Kakashi-san, how are you?"

"Good. Might I borrow you for a moment?"

She sighed inside her head before smiling apologetically at Matsuo.

"Sure. For a moment." She let Kakashi lead her to another table, missing the silent communication taking place between the two men. Matsuo left seconds later, knowing better than to piss off the Copy Ninja. Kakashi led her to his table in the back corner, and as soon as she sat down she looked at the bar to check on her date. He was gone.

"Where'd Matsuo go?"

"Him? Oh, he remembered he had to get home to his wife, or didn't you notice the wedding band on his finger?"

"So what can I do for you, Kakashi? I have plans for the evening." She was careful not to show her irritation at the suspicion that her man had been chased off.

"Oh, nothing. I was merely wondering if I could buy you a drink?" Suspicion became fact. While she let the knowledge show on her face, she was careful not to let any emotion surface, as she remembered he seemed to thrive off the frustration of others.

"Why did you feel it necessary to ruin my evening, Hatake-sama? I did not require your help."

"Really? So you normally pick up married men?"

She had no time for this. She was ready to cut her losses and tell Tsunade that she had indeed gone to a bar and talked to a few men, which would even be true, and hope it would be enough to placate her. Seeing Kakashi had merely reinforced the loneliness and anger at her former precious people, and she was anxious for the day to end.

"OK, you saved me from taking a married man home. Thank you, Hatake-sama. I'm going to head home. It's been a long day." Inner Sakura was laughing at the dog-like tilt of his head; she knew he was wondering where her formerly-infamous temper was. If he had bothered to talk to her or anyone she worked with, he would have known that temper had disappeared long ago. Along with all her other emotions.

"I never saw you as the adultery type. Looking for a one night stand, Sakura? I remember you used to be all about true love." They both knew he was fishing, trying to enrage her.

"One dick is as good as the next, and I'm too busy for love." She knew she was screwed the moment those words came out of her mouth. His eye narrowed for a fraction of a second, and she had done the one thing she had hoped to avoid: she aroused his curiosity. She had to get out fast.

She stood up and reached for her small purse, facing him squarely, almost formally.

"It was nice to see you again, Katake-sama." She turned around quickly, trying to retreat out the door, but he would just not take her hints, or more likely he was ignoring her desire to leave.

"You seem very different from what I remember you being as a genin. I seem to remember you had a nasty temper, even as a chunin. Are you ok?"

"I am fine, even with you chasing off my date for the evening. How are you?"

"Fine. So how has work been? Are you still training with the Hokage?"

Her irritation was rising, but it had become second nature to use her face to mask it; she remained as implacable as ever.

"Work is fine. Is there a point to this? I have to get going."

"If you want to pick up another married man, I would suggest the man with the black and white shirt on the end. Or, if you want to go somewhere else, I know of a bar a few blocks down that isn't popular with the singles."

"What do you want Kakashi-san?" Her tone was blunt and bored.

"I'm curious. When did you become so dull? Why are you hunting for a one night stand? Have you really changed so much from when I knew you?"

"Hokage-shishou ordered me to go out, socialize, pick up a guy, and to not work this weekend. She did not specify what kind of guy, so I picked the first one who looked decent. I don't have any plans for the weekend, so I'll probably end up working. Now, if you don't mind, I would like to get some sleep before I head into work tomorrow." This time she turned around and walked out, not willing to give him a chance to keep the conversation going. Once outside, she head steps behind her and turned to see him walking behind her. Even she could not help the sigh that escaped her then.

"Hatake-sama, what are you doing?"

"I'm walking you home. Being a gentleman and all."

While Inner Sakura was screaming and shaking her fist, the only tell to her rising anger was a slight tightening around her eyes.

"What do you want?"

He must have sensed her impatience, for he closed the distance between them and his eyes showed his concern.

"I'm worried about my former student. You seem so distant, even more than Sasuke on a bad day. I just want to make sure you're ok."

He lifted a hand to rest it on her shoulder, but she deftly took a step back, angered by his false concern for her.

"Look. While you may feel some kind of obligation to look after me and prevent me from making what you see as a mistake based on my choice of fuck-buddies, I do not consider you my former teacher. You would have to have taught me something or invested time in me to earn that distinction. Therefore, I do not owe you anything, and it is not your concern who I go home with or what you think are flaws in my personality. Now can I trust you to not follow me if I go to another bar?"

"And why would you want to go to another bar?"

"Orders are orders. Shishou told me to pick up a guy, I need to pick up a guy, if nothing else to make up for the fact that I will be working this weekend." She needed to get away. She was no longer used to having conversations this long, or schooling her expressions with people she had known as a child. It was getting increasingly difficult to remain emotionless.

"You are lonely, aren't you Sakura? I never see you with any of the Rookie Nine anymore, or hear any of them talk about you. You have kind of dropped off their radar, haven't you? When was the last time you had a day off or talked to Sasuke or Naruto?"

Too close, too close!! She needed to say something to get him to leave, and if he presumed to consider her a former student, then all the better.

"Enough, Kakashi-san. Either let me go so I can find a guy for the night, or volunteer yourself, but stop with the insulting pretence that you care either way. I haven't seen or talked to you in a couple years and I see no reason to start just because you don't approve of me hitting on a married man."

"OK, let's go."

"What?"

"Let's go. Where do you live?"

"Are you serious? You would fuck your ex-student?"

"If you do not consider me your former sensei, why should I? I was at the bar for the same reason, so it only makes sense. And as you said, I haven't seen you in years, and probably won't after tonight, so let's go."

Sakura honestly couldn't tell if he was calling her bluff or taking her offer seriously, but she leant towards the former. She thought quickly.

"Ok, let's go to your place, then."

"Why my place?"

"I only take complete strangers to my place. I know you, so your place or say goodnight."

"Don't want me getting to close to you?" He appeared to be amused, if the smirk was any judge.

"No. I don't. Hence the one night thing." The '_duh'_ was left unspoken, but very obvious by her tone.

"Well, then, how about this alley? Is that impersonal enough?"

She could hear the dare in his voice, and made a show of looking it over critically.

"Actually, this is better; less walking afterwards." She grabbed him by the vest and dragged him down the alley, using her enormous strength to make sure he didn't stall or try to get away. She backed herself up against a wall and reached for the belt to his pants. His hands quickly stopped her.

"Sakura, what are you doing?"

"Well, your dick is in there, and that's all I need, so I'm trying to get to it." She took absolutely no joy in the opportunity to look at him as though he were an idiot. None whatsoever. _Snicker_.

"Sakura, do you really just want me to screw you against an alley wall? You have to want more from a man than that."

She gave him a curious look, as though asking what he meant by more. He sighed before taking a step back, putting deliberate space between them. While on the outside she was shrugging as though they were done and she was leaving, on the inside she was laughing and congratulating herself on calling his bluff. When he grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving, she let a small sigh escape, and though it did not show her exasperation, she was barely keeping her rising anger in check.

"Sakura, what's happened to you? Are you so lonely that you would screw a stranger in an alley for a few minutes of closeness? Why don't you talk to any of your friends anymore? I don't want to see you growing old like this."

She refused to face him, but did not shake off his hand. She could not help the tension in her arm, much as she tried.

"I'm going to say this one more time, and then you're going to let go of me. I am trying to screw you in an alley because I was ordered to go out and pick up a guy. I will honestly tell her I socialized and tried to pick up a guy, but he wasn't interested. I don't talk to my friends because I don't have any. I don't have anyone, and I have learned to accept it. I tried to keep up with the Rookie Nine, but things change, and I'm a very busy person. While my life may not be acceptable to your standards, I neither look up to you or answer to you, so your opinion is not welcome. It was nice to see you, Hatake-san, I wish you a good life. Good night."

He let her arm slip from his grasp, barely aware that she had left him in a foul-smelling alley. His mind was racing with other, more important things.


End file.
